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Reviews and letters from readers
regarding the story

Alexander Woyte and the Goblins

Dear Mr. K.

Re your request for a favourable review from the Goblin Literary Review, the quote, below, is the best I could come up with. Hope you like it.

"In his story, Mr. K. uses a lot of words, which if rearranged in a completely different order, might make for an interesting reading experience."

Laszlo Screech (Editor)

PS - please make your cheque out payable to me personally, and not to the magazine. Thanks.

Dear Mr. Zsolt

Ref: HA/27312118/47G/ZK

Re Goblins mining tunnels under the shops in Petersfield.

Following our recent correspondence I am now satisifed that the aforementioned Mr Gunnar is in breach of the local planning regulations:- viz "change of use" from retail shop, to industrial mining, and that this was done without seeking planning consent. However, as you say that most of the tunnels were actually constructed sometime during the middle dark ages, i.e. before formal planning controls were in effect in this part of Hampshire, I am inclined to agree that a punitive levy of council tax may not be appropriate in this case.

We have therefore decided to rate Mr Gunnar's tunnels as "residential / goblin use", and as he has no windows, we have rated the property as band "F".

Can you please give me your assistance with another pressing matter. Unfortunately all the council tax demands sent to the address shown on the map in your story, addressed to Mr G have come back to this office marked as "Return to sender. Or else!" His telephone number also appears to be ex directory. Could you please give me his email address so that I can communicate to him the necessity of paying some form of local taxation.

Yours faithfull
Mr. Stoppem (Hampshire County Council Planning Dept.)

Dear Zsolt

Could you please mention somewhere on your web site, that my firm, B & C, has now set up an dedicated team of lawyers and legal execs who deal in all aspects of the legal services relating to the special needs of pirates and goblins in the Portsmouth/Southsea area.

Yours sincerely

PS - tell them not to contact us by email, which isn't set up yet. We prefer a letter or phone call, followed up by a meeting at our office.

PPS - Do you have Gunnar's new phone number? The pre nuptial contract for his trophy wife has been drawn up, but the copies of the documents I've sent him by post all get sent back unopened.
Dear Mr. Zenekesh,

I would like to warn your readers about the experience I had recently when reading your so-called bedtime story for children, "Alexander Woyte and the Goblins" on goblinsuch.co.zk

I found the story so dull and lacking in mental stimulation that after reading the first paragraph, I fell into a deep coma which lasted for two days. Unfortunately I was online using a dial up connection at the time, and my software didn't disconnect me.

As the author of this nonsense, I hold you personally responsible, and have enclosed a copy of my latest telephone bill. The big charge on page 3, which runs on to page 8, is where I was reading your story. Your urgent assistance with this matter is requested.

Yours faithfully
Roger Canker

PS - I've written a story which is much better than yours. Can you give me some tips on how to publish it on the web?

Gunnar's dad  & Jane Austen
Gunnar's father had known Jane Austen. She was a local girl who lived in nearby Chawton. When she was writing a book called "Emma", he used to read over her shoulder. One day he complained about the picnic scene at Box Hill.

"Where are the goblins?" he asked. In those days you always saw goblins hanging around picnics, waiting to pounce and run off with the leftovers. If they were greedy little goblins they might not actually wait for you to finish, or even start your carefully planned picnic. And if you were very unlucky you might end up eating little more than a few crumbs yourself. That's why Gunnar's Goblin Hammers became such a popular method of picnic pest control. But they were invented a lot later and don't come into this story..

Dear Publisher

Re your request for an advertiser endorsement & other matters...

I am pleased to say that since we started advertising our patented hammers on goblinsearch.com, our sales in the USA have nearly doubled, despite the deepening recession over there.

It has also been useful to find out which side won the civil war, and we will change the wording when we reprint our brochures to remove the hint at uncertainty.

The advertising on your web site has been very cost effective, but I cannot recommend it to any of our competitors, because I don't want them to find out how well we're doing.

My fiancee, Darla, pointed out that the photo of me which you have on your web site, is not very flattering. I have therefore attached in this email, a much more handsome version which has been airbrushed to make me look better. Please replace the old one ASAP. Or else!

G. (Rex Goblinorum)

PS - Re your question about the overdue payment, I made some enquiries at this end and I assume that the cheque for the advertising got lost in the post.

It appears that one penny is not regarded as adequate postage nowadays, which came as a great shock to our post room. However, I have left instructions for my accounting minion to deal with it urgently when he gets back from his cruise in the Bahamas.
If you haven't been put off yet? Then read the story - Alexander Woyte and the Goblins

goblinsearch.com - this web site is sponsored by Gunnar's Goblin Hammers - (makers of the finest picnic protection tools since 1862), and Jamie's Soups - (makers of Jamie's Dinosaur Moss Soup), and Laura's Worm Custard.

co-sponsored by Prickly Spine Software - publishers of the finest storage refragmentation software.

press release:- Baughurst UK - March 28, 2001 - Where do you go to find a missing goblin? - goblinsearch.com

goblinsearch.com, concept, stories and text copyright © 1999 to 2004 Zsolt Kerekes

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This is a work of fiction. All characters in this publication are fictitious and any resemblance to actual goblins living or dead is purely coincidental or due to ensorclement beyond our control