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Dear Mr. K.
Re your
request for a favourable review from the Goblin Literary Review, the quote,
below, is the best I could come up with. Hope you like it.
"In his
story, Mr. K. uses a lot of words, which if rearranged in a completely different
order, might make for an interesting reading experience."
Regards
Laszlo
Screech (Editor)
PS - please make your cheque out payable to me
personally, and not to the magazine. Thanks.
Dear Mr. Zsolt
Ref: HA/27312118/47G/ZK
Re
Goblins mining tunnels under the shops in Petersfield.
Following
our recent correspondence I am now satisifed that the aforementioned Mr Gunnar
is in breach of the local planning regulations:- viz "change of use"
from retail shop, to industrial mining, and that this was done without seeking
planning consent. However, as you say that most of the tunnels were actually
constructed sometime during the middle dark ages, i.e. before formal planning
controls were in effect in this part of Hampshire, I am inclined to agree that a
punitive levy of council tax may not be appropriate in this case.
We
have therefore decided to rate Mr Gunnar's tunnels as "residential /
goblin use", and as he has no windows, we have rated the property as band "F".
Can you please give me your assistance with another pressing matter.
Unfortunately all the council tax demands sent to the address shown on the map
in your story, addressed to Mr G have come back to this office marked as "Return
to sender. Or else!" His telephone number also appears to be ex directory.
Could you please give me his email address so that I can communicate to him the
necessity of paying some form of local taxation.
Yours faithfull
Mr.
Stoppem (Hampshire County Council Planning Dept.)
Dear Zsolt
Could you please mention somewhere on your
web site, that my firm, B & C, has now set up an dedicated team of lawyers
and legal execs who deal in all aspects of the legal services relating to the
special needs of pirates and goblins in the Portsmouth/Southsea area.
Yours
sincerely
Andrew
PS - tell them not to contact us by email, which
isn't set up yet. We prefer a letter or phone call, followed up by a meeting at
our office.
PPS - Do you have Gunnar's new phone number? The pre
nuptial contract for his trophy wife has been drawn up, but the copies of the
documents I've sent him by post all get sent back unopened. | |
Dear Mr. Zenekesh,
I
would like to warn your readers about the experience I had recently when reading
your so-called bedtime story for children, "Alexander Woyte and the Goblins"
on goblinsuch.co.zk
I found the story so dull and lacking in mental
stimulation that after reading the first paragraph, I fell into a deep coma
which lasted for two days. Unfortunately I was online using a dial up connection
at the time, and my software didn't disconnect me.
As the author of
this nonsense, I hold you personally responsible, and have enclosed a copy of my
latest telephone bill. The big charge on page 3, which runs on to page 8, is
where I was reading your story. Your urgent assistance with this matter is
requested.
Yours faithfully
Roger Canker
PS - I've written
a story which is much better than yours. Can you give me some tips on how to
publish it on the web?
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Gunnar's
father had known Jane Austen. She was a local girl who lived in nearby Chawton.
When she was writing a book called "Emma", he used to read over her
shoulder. One day he complained about the picnic scene at Box Hill.
"Where
are the goblins?" he asked. In those days you always saw goblins hanging
around picnics, waiting to pounce and run off with the leftovers. If they were
greedy little goblins they might not actually wait for you to finish, or even
start your carefully planned picnic. And if you were very unlucky you might end
up eating little more than a few crumbs yourself. That's why
Gunnar's Goblin Hammers
became such a popular method of picnic pest control. But they were invented a
lot later and don't come into this story.. |
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Dear Publisher
Re
your request for an advertiser endorsement & other matters...
I
am pleased to say that since we started advertising our patented hammers on
goblinsearch.com, our sales in the
USA have nearly doubled, despite the deepening recession over there.
It
has also been useful to find out which side won the civil war, and we will
change the wording when we reprint our brochures to remove the hint at
uncertainty.
The advertising on your web site has been very cost
effective, but I cannot recommend it to any of our competitors, because I don't
want them to find out how well we're doing.
My fiancee, Darla, pointed
out that the photo of me which you have on your web site, is not very
flattering. I have therefore attached in this email, a much more handsome
version which has been airbrushed to make me look better. Please replace the old
one ASAP. Or else!
Yours
G. (Rex Goblinorum)
PS - Re your
question about the overdue payment, I made some enquiries at this end and it
would appear that the cheque for the advertising got lost in the post. It
appears that one penny is not regarded as adequate postage nowadays, which came
as a great shock to our post room. However, I have left instructions for my
accounting minion to deal with it urgently when he gets back from his cruise in
the Bahamas. | |
