Are pesky goblin minions giving you gyp?
Ruining your picnics and Bar-B-Q's?
Squish 'em flat with Gunnar's patented Goblin Hammer.
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| Anyone can use a Gunnar's Goblin Hammer. You don't need to be big or strong. Picture, above, shows Megabyte the mouse teaching a pesky goblin to keep away from his cheese store. |
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features and benefits
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customer testimonial from Colonel Lettemhavit (Grenadier Guards retired) Sir, before purchasing your patented goblin hammer I used an ordinary sledge-hammer to whack unwanted goblin pests who were ruining my barbeques. Unfortunately the result on several occasions was a messy spray of squished goblin juice which spread over all the food making it taste disgusting. Since using your hammer, the goblins have been suitably knocked out of action without spoiling all our food and enjoyment. I regard this as money well spent. Yours etc |
My name is Gunnar, King of the Old Wessex Division of the goblins. You're probably reading this ad, because you're being plagued by troublesome little goblin brats.
Relax! I've developed just the solution you need:-
Gunnar's Goblin Hammer!
People often ask me about my management techniques and the best way to deal with troublesome goblin minion pests.
You know the sort of thing... It's a nice warm summer's day, and you're out in the garden, or up Box Hill enjoying a nice quiet picnic. Then you notice a sneaky goblin minion, scout hanging around, and before you know it, they're swarming all over the place, stealing your food and drinks.
Shouting at them doesn't work, because they think they're going to get away with it. Setting your dogs on them won't work, because little goblins taste disgusting. Kicking them doesn't help, either, because they're hard and will hurt your feet.
So I say:- Squish 'em!
Before I invented Gunnar's Goblin Hammer, the only methods which worked to control these little varmints were traditional and cruel. Skria's Goblin Skewer, and Loki's Electric Lighting Bolts were very effective at stopping a goblin swarm. They were good deterrents, but few of the actual victims survived, or if they did, they developed a life-long phobia about eating with forks or using electrical appliances.
Scientifically Proven:- My Goblin Hammer is based on years of painstaking research carried out mainly on stray visiting goblins from other counties in my secret underground goblin research laboratories at Hursley Park, near Winchester. My scientists discovered that a pressure of 10 tons per square inch is exactly the right amount to squish a young goblin flat.
Any less, and they spring straight back and just get angry.
Any more, and you risk being sprayed with goblin juice, and the victim may not survive to learn its lesson.
How to Order:- for security reasons, we don't ask you to give out your credit card details on the GoblinNet. All you have to do print out a copy of this ad, and leave it outside your back door in an empty milk bottle (or wine bottle) overnight with the correct money in cash (see below).
Delivery:- In the UK, and USA (except Alaska) we usually deliver it by 6 am next morning, and it's specially insured for 24 hours by a Spellabyte protective spell, so no-one else will be able to steal it. Your bottle will be returned with a receipt and guarantee.
Price:- UK - 25 Guineas. USA - 50 Dollars (Confederate , or Federal, I forgot to ask which side won). Europe, Asia and other regions:- we're currently looking for distributers. If you put a note out in a bottle, asking for the price, you should get a reply within a few days. (All payments in gold or silver please - we don't ake paper currency, or plastic). Note:- if you live in a multi-tenanted building and can't safely leave bottles and money outside the back door, then another option is to leave it in the back seat of your car - clearly visible. My goblin minions are good at sniffing out orders, and will find it. You don't need to leave the car unlocked. They'll get in, without causing any damage, and leave the hammer on the back seat or in the boot.
Warning! Beware of cheap imitations! We never sell the Goblin Hammer in shops, fairs or by mail order. Using an incorrectly designed hammer doesn't work, and may be messy.
