Are pesky goblin minions giving you gyp?
Ruining your picnics and Bar-B-Q's?
Squish 'em flat with Gunnar's patented Goblin Hammer. |
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Hello! - Gentle Reader
My name is Gunnar, King of the Old Wessex Division of the
goblins. You've probably heard of me - because I was in that story
Alexander and the Goblins.
And
you're probably reading this ad, because you're being plagued by troublesome
little goblin brats.
Relax! I've developed just the solution you
need:-
Gunnar's Goblin Hammer! | |
I'm an expert at managing goblins, large and
small. But the biggest problem comes from goblins when they're young (aged one
to five) and haven't yet learned how to behave properly. In my job as King, I
have to control hundreds of goblin minions, and they do exactly what I say -
or else!
People often ask me about my management techniques and the best way to
deal with troublesome goblin minion pests.
You know the sort of
thing... It's a nice warm summer's day, and you're out in the garden, or up Box Hill enjoying a nice
quiet picnic. Then you notice a sneaky goblin minion, scout hanging around,
and before you know it, they're swarming all over the place, stealing your food
and drinks.
Shouting at them doesn't work, because they think they're
going to get away with it. Setting your dogs on them won't work, because little
goblins taste disgusting. Kicking them doesn't help, either, because they're
hard and will hurt your feet.
So I say:-
Squish 'em!
Before I invented Gunnar's Goblin Hammer, the only
methods which worked to control these little varmints were traditional and
cruel. Skria's Goblin Skewer, and Loki's Electric Lighting Bolts were very
effective at stopping a goblin swarm. They were good deterrents, but few of the
actual victims survived, or if they did, they developed a life-long phobia about
eating with forks or using electrical appliances.
Scientifically
Proven:- My Goblin Hammer is based on years of painstaking research carried
out mainly on stray visiting goblins from other counties in my secret
underground goblin research laboratories at Hursley Park, near Winchester. My
scientists discovered that a pressure of 10 tons per square inch is exactly the
right amount to squish a young goblin flat.
Any less, and they spring
straight back and just get angry.
Any more, and you risk being sprayed
with goblin juice, and the victim may not survive to learn its lesson.
How
to Order:- for security reasons, we don't ask you to give out your credit
card details on the GoblinNet. All you have to do print out a copy of this ad,
and leave it outside your back door in an empty milk bottle (or wine bottle)
overnight with the correct money in cash (see below).
Delivery:- In the UK, and USA (except Alaska) we usually
deliver it by 6 am next morning, and it's specially insured for 24 hours by a
Spellabyte protective spell, so no-one else will be able to steal it. Your
bottle will be returned with a receipt and guarantee.
Price:-
UK - 25 Guineas. USA - 50 Dollars (Confederate , or Federal, I forgot to ask
which side won). Europe, Asia and other regions:- we're currently looking
for distributers. If you put a note out in a bottle, asking for the price, you
should get a reply within a few days. (All payments in gold or silver please -
we don't take paper currency, or plastic). Note:- if you live in a
multi-tenanted building and can't safely leave bottles and money outside the
back door, then another option is to leave it in the back seat of your car -
clearly visible. My goblin minions are good at sniffing out orders, and will
find it. You don't need to leave the car unlocked. They'll get in, without
causing any damage, and leave the hammer on the back seat or in the boot.
Warning!
Beware of cheap imitations! We never sell the Goblin Hammer in shops, fairs or
by mail order. Using an incorrectly designed hammer doesn't work, and may be
messy. |
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| Gunnar stars in that book
Alexander Woyte and the
Goblins |
| |
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 |
Anyone can use a Gunnar's
Goblin Hammer.
You don't need to be big or strong. |
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| features
and benefits |
- works fast:- so you can get back to enjoying your picnic
- no special training required:- full instructions, with pictures,
supplied with every hammer (pack also includes 3 inflatable calibrated goblin
minions to practise on)
- acts as a deterrent:- the mere sight of Gunnar's Goblin Hammer
lying by your picnic or Barbeque is enough to make the little varmints go
elsewhere
- easier to use than traditional products:- does not require
sharpening, or electricity
- environmentally friendly:- no chemicals, or unpleasant odours,
ozone friendly, dolphin friendly (can also be used to squish hammerhead sharks)
- approved by the Goblins Cruelty League:- squished minions reflate
to their normal size and shape after about thirty minutes,suffering only from a
mild head-ache
- 100 year no-quibble guarantee:- (provided that hammer is returned
by original owner, or heirs in a clean condition please)
- warning - not to be used on adult goblins! It doesn't work on
goblins more than 6 years old. They'll just get annoyed, and may well try and
use it back on you.
| | |
| . |
 Unsolicited
customer testimonial
from Colonel Lettemhavit (Grenadier Guards
retired)
Sir,
before purchasing your patented goblin hammer I
used an ordinary sledge-hammer to whack unwanted goblin pests who were ruining
my picnics at Glyndebourne. Unfortunately the result on several occasions was a
messy spray of squished goblin juice which spread all over our plates and
hampers making a disgusting mess.
One summer due to a smelly stain of
incorrectly squished goblin essence on my dinner jacket I was not permitted
back in the auditorium to see the 2nd half of the Marriage of Figaro.
Since
using your hammer, the goblins have been suitably knocked out of action without
spoiling all our food and operatic enjoyment. I regard this as money well
spent.
Yours etc
PS - A tip to other Glyndebourne picnickers as you
pass through security... keep the goblin hammer in your hamper and say it's for
smashing the lobsters. Does the trick. | |
| . |
 that goblin book
No one believes in goblins
any more, not even in the pretty little village of Privett in Jane Austen
country (in Hampshire).
But tonight the goblins who live under the Old
Bookshop in Petersfield have kidnapped young Alexander from his bunk bed. It's
still dark and the trail is getting cold.
How do his family track the
goblins and get him back?
(a picturebook / bedtime story with plot
twists and a happy ending)
Amazon UK/ US | |
